Ramblings…
It’s a gloriously sunny day in Edinburgh and I’m sat in the house waiting on an electrician and trying to keep naughty cats away from ongoing house work… I have no desire to write today, I’m fighting with myself. Normally by now I’d have ran and be getting ready for lunch, planning the rest of my day. However, I’ve already done my prep for the next two days of tattooing, some emails, made some lists and plans for other things, I need to get out of the house… as I write the electrician has arrived so perhaps I’ll get out within the next hour or so, maybe later if I choose lunch first.
My Monday writing plan didn’t happen, then it was planned for yesterday and here I am today. I had loads going on yesterday and did manage to get outside the house for a little while. Trying to make the most of a Scottish summer is hard when you have work and life commitments!
I had a great week last week, full on going tattoos and catch ups with clients I haven’t seen for a little while, I was feeling good in myself which has been distinctly lacking for a while now. Closing my tattoo diary to new bookings and to prioritise myself and my health is my main goal at the moment, not to over work myself with tattooing. Moving into 2023, I will only be working Thursday to Sunday. As of the end of January 2023 I will be working towards my degree so the sensible option is to tattoo part time, study part time. This also means that I will not be working any tattoo conventions in 2023, any travels after Nov this year will be for personal holidays only. Making these commitments to myself is freeing, such a huge sense of relief not to be working myself into the ground. But it is also terrifying, brain says ‘no one will want work from you ever again if you close your books, you’re not going to be able to pay your bills, why are you being so lazy?!?’, as you can see, I have quite the fight on my hands…
I am also hopeful that having less time in the studio means I can get some personal projects off the ground, some art pieces I’ve wanted to start, drawings, paintings, non commission pieces. It would be lovely to create just for me again. I’ve had a bit of a fight with myself over this this morning too, I’ve wanted to work on personal drawings but had to complete tattoo preparations for this week first. So putting off the ‘fun stuff’ for the real life stuff has been frustrating and (on top of waiting on this damn electrician) now I feel beaten by my own thoughts and all inspiration is gone, the work is done though. The inspiration will return, probably after running and some air, but this is something I’m learning to follow again, if you want to do the thing (make art) and are taking joy in the thing (making art), then it’s never wasted time and you are right where you’re supposed to be. This societal conditioning around being ‘productive’ is a hard one to shake and really not great from our head or soul. I have this sense of ‘must get the work done before I can have fun’, but usually, by the time the work is done, I’m too beaten down for the fun. What kind of life is that? I need more fun in my life and if that’s getting lost in a drawing for no one but myself for a few hours then so be it, otherwise who else am I living for?
A photo of me enjoying a walk in the sun after a strength training session. I have finally shaken whatever hell plague had taken me down over the previous two weeks!