Where have I been…
Radio silence from me for the past two months, that was not my intention.
I guess I’ve not been myself, well I have outwardly but internally suffering, my poor brain has been in such a weird place. I’ve been doing a lot of internal self work this last few years and on the verge of change, it’s felt turbulent and stressful. I know it will pass and I’ll be in a better place, growth is uncomfortable, but I think the return from my travels and the stress on my body as well as the inner struggles came to a head and I fell off the map.
Here I am a two months later, in a better headspace. Should I be sharing such personal thoughts? Maybe not, but better out than in? Two weeks ago I decided, through many tears, to cancel the guest spot I had booked for last week. I needed to rest, I needed time at home and trying to convince my brain of that was so difficult. People pleasing is the worst, I hate that I am this way but also know that it’s to do with life experience and social conditioning. Brain says ‘why are you so selfish? You’re going to let everyone down’, ha thanks brain, never mind letting myself down no? I overrode my brain and I am feeling much better for it. I did however get struck down with the cold from hell late Monday afternoon and it’s only just starting to lift today, a whole week later. Apparently my body knew I needed a break…
It’s been a really busy few months, I had been tattooing more than I wanted to, sleeping terribly, barely going out when not at work, it’s been rough and until last week I felt like I hadn’t stopped. Being away from the studio and ill meant enforced rest, I’ve actually managed to complete a couple of jobs that had been looming over my head for a while. In small bursts and between naps my taxes are now up to date, the sofa has had a bloody good clean and I finally finished a drawing I’d be working on (putting off) since December. I also took the plunge, after a lot of backward and forward in my brain again and I officially start my creative writing degree in January. Brain says ‘you’re too stupid to do a writing degree, too dyslexic, you don’t read enough books! You don’t have time. If you take on a degree you’re giving up on your artwork! 6years is too long, you’ll be nearly dead by the time you finish!’. That brain of mine can be a real dickhead…
Next, I found myself a running coach because I signed up for my first marathon, it’s in January, I need all the help I can get since I have no idea what I’m doing and honestly I’m terrified! My goal, as small as it may be, is to complete it in around 5hours, the thought of ‘running’ for that long makes me feel sick... Brain says ‘what did you sign up for? You can’t do that, you’re not strong enough or quick enough! Your joints can’t cope! You better stop being so lazy and start training…’. What I’ve learned about myself and taken more notice of recently is how horrible my own self talk is, examples above, and I’m starting to work on this. It’s hard after of lifetime of internal put downs and disbelief but, got to start somewhere right? I might share more of these as I go along with the blog, it’s easy to think you’re the only one that feels a certain way if no one else is telling you they feel the same. I came to a realisation that despite all this internal horribleness I’ve still achieved an awful lot and maybe, just maybe I can achieve even more if I’m a little kinder to myself.
I still have such a lot to say, it’s been months after all, but I feel like this is enough for one post. Next week I’ll talk about closing the tattoo diary and my working days going forward, I need to make some changes and I need to stick to them for my own health.
My very nearly almost finished new artwork, I’ll up date the artwork page with the finished piece soon! Butterfly and leaves, karismacolor pencil on recycled paper.